Thursday, October 4, 2012
GUILT AND PARENTING
Pardon my absence. To say that things have been a little nutty around the BiB compound is putting it mildly. I've been stressed, frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed I never wanted to believe in the "terrible twos"..I hate all of those annoying cliche's associated with early childhood and parenting, however, lately we have turned a corner here in Toddlertown and I'm afraid the Bug is suffering from this affliction. My once joyful and predictable child is suddenly prone to irrational behavior, unforeseen Britney-style meltdowns, and sudden storms of kicking and thrashing over difficult decisions like "juice or milk" and "red crayon or yellow crayon."
Every day my hard-working Man comes home to a frazzled and crabby wife and toddler, and basically has to take over while I stare blankly at the wall with drool running down my chin until her bedtime. Did I mention he teaches first grade and has 40+ kids of his own to handle all day long? To make it worse, I've been coping with wine, whine, and burritos of abnormal size. After weeks of endless whining, several wine bottles, and a few tears later, we made the decision to put the Bug in daycare two mornings a week.
I am a lucky mama. She LOVES it and after some inquiries, I found the perfect situation for her age and skills. A huge pressure in our lives has been released. The Man and I have basically been working in shifts since she was born and our nearest family is over 1000 miles away. The good news is that besides maintaining my sanity and creating some social time for the Bugster, I will have more time to work on the Shop, and this Blog. You, my loyal readers, (one, two, . . .) have been so patient. I'm also really appreciating peeing with the door closed two days a week.
I struggled with this decision as I feel like I have somehow failed, lately, to be the kind of parent with endless patience. No matter how much I try to find my Zen each day, after twelve hours of shrieking, noodle-throwing, juice-spilling, and nap-resisting, I still end up frustrated, angry, and defeated. I am actually quite good at rationalizing and persuasion. Years of sales experience really prepares you for children, however, my sweet little Bug is not rational. She is nearly two. She is also not one of those damn "easy" mellow kids that some of you have (jerks).
It was hard to admit that I need help. It is even harder to admit that I need other things in my life to be happy besides being a full time mom. I'm discovering that guilt is one of the hardest emotions to navigate as a parent. Am I doing the right thing? Did I handle that the right way? Am I being selfish? I try and remember that my daughter must see that I am whole person as well as a mother. I am a model for who she will become and seeing that I am more than just a walking napkin, shelling out juice and crackers, that I am also a business owner, a wife, a friend, and a person with her own interests, will hopefully help her determine who she strives to be as an adult. In summation, parenting is CRAZY. Some days I think I am doing a good job..others I feel like I am just coping.
But, damn, she's cute.